Before you watch the video, lets briefly discuss the elephant in the room.

Yes, this man is Japanese. Yes, the Japanese like anime, and it doesn’t surprise me at all that this sort of thing happened. There, I said it. I’m apparently a racist.

Is anyone else reading this (who isn’t from Japan) the slightest bit concerned? Are we headed to a world where it is acceptable to partake in the sacrament of marriage with a virtual being? And you thought the gay rights movement was crazy; just wait until this sort of thing catches on with lonely, depressed 45 year old men in America. There won’t be enough Pokemon characters to go around!

This is the legitimate definition of giving up. In honor of this achievement(? not really sure what else to call it), I’m revealing my 5 levels of “giving up” as it pertains to relationships.

Level 1 – Free Internet Porn

No one is going to fault you for basking in the warm glow of your monitor watching a dirty movie every now and then. But don’t substitute a good 30 minute jerk for a potential hook-up on a Friday night.

Level 2 – Paid Internet Porn

So you’ve passed the first threshold. You are now a member of Brazzers.com*. You have access to an entire vault of porn, more than you probably ever imagined. You begin to learn the pornstars by name, and even begin to develop a fondness for some of them (she sucks a great dick is a really nice person!) You get legitimately excited when you see new material from one of them.

Level 3 -Anime Porn

Sadly, after watching so much porn you could recognize stars by the birth marks on their inner thighs, but had trouble with their face, you realize you need a real change. You turn to porn which is animated. Now, things that are physically impossible for a human to do, sickos with a pen and drawing pad can make it happen. You like this, and repeat steps 1 & 2, only this time its with fictional people**. This is the final level you can change your life. Should you move to Level 4 its all over.

Level 4 – Interactive, Scripted, Fake Relationship with Fictional Character

You become infatuated to such a degree with one particular character, that you begin to actually think you are in a relationship with them. You ask them what to cook for dinner and what TV show you want to watch together. Since your ‘partner’ is never going to want to do something you don’t want to (remember… this is fake – you are making all the decisions, kind of like being in a real relationship in the 1700′s when women didn’t have opinions or feelings) you move to the final step.

Level 5 – A Real Marriage of a Fictional Character

See the video above. If you reach this level may god have mercy on your soul. Filling for divorce years later will not be worth it. You are so emotionally damaged at this point, no real woman will want to be within 50 feet of you. Sorry.

* I don’t intend on going to Level 2, but how about a free 1 month membership for the plug? Since I wouldn’t be paying for it, I see no faults in this plan. Make it happen! I’ll even do a favorable review of the site.

** Say what you want about porn stars, but they are at least real human beings. They may not have a soul after some of the things they can get talked into doing on camera for money, but they are apparently very real people.